Regret

Some days I feel pretty good about the prospect of our future here in CT. Other times I feel...like I'm drowning and there is no way out. Today, I'm having a drowning day. I don't know if it's just the fact that Gary is away and I'm lonely sitting here in his parents house, or the fact that it's been over 9 months since I moved here and we are no closer to a house of our own than we were when we first stepped foot in CT.

I know that things would be so much better for us if we'd just go back down to Virginia. I know this. But the desire to live here, surrounded by family...the desire in my heart, is overshadowing the logic in my head.

I love the weather in Virginia, I love the people in Virginia, I even sort of like the area in Virginia...but all of this does not account for the lack of family, in Virginia. The thought of the lonely holidays, the family-less birthdays, and the lack of the close relationships between my children and their grandparents just totally kills my logical thoughts. I know sooner or later we're going to have to bite the bullet. If things don't work out financially we really, will not have any other choice.

I know it's pointless to live life in regret, but I somehow can't help but regret the choice that I made to come up to CT. Yes, the choice that I made. Solely. Gary wanted to stay in Virginia. Kallie asks every day to go back to Virginia and live in our own house. I was the pushing force that so desperately wanted to come to CT. And it's really hard to live with that fact because I also know I'm the driving force to stay in CT. It is almost like this whole situation is riding completely on my shoulders. I know I could wake up one morning and tell Gary that I'm ready to go back to Virginia, and that's where we would go.

I just wish, so desperately, that something would work out in our favor and we would be able to make it financially, before I have to make that difficult, life-changing, decision.

I really wish the government would help military families like ours, to set up new lives after the Army. My husband dedicated his life for 6 years, and continues to dedicate it through the Army National Guard, to his country and THIS is where we've ended up.